Hi there! Before I start ranting all over the place, I have a fun little game for you. It’s called: Which of these restaurant meals is not Meri’s?

So which one do you think it is? You can leave a guess in the comments! But just when you think you know me… you may have no idea. Muah ha ha ha.

So, now that I’ve done something lighthearted and goofy, I must rant about my feelings about “restaurant behavior.” I should preface this noting that I have worked in both restaurant and fast food situations in my day, and I know what is “expected” of restaurant staff. That said, I believe there is obnoxious and unacceptable behavior both on the part of restaurant patrons and staff. I used to think the only thing a patron could do wrong was tip poorly. I was dead wrong..So don’t do this stuff:

Begin Rant.

If you are a restaurant “guest”

1. Thou shalt not send s&%* back because you don’t like it. Learn to order what you want, and deal with it.

2. Thou shalt not snap at thy waitstaff. They are not dogs. A meaningful moment of eye contact should do the trick. In a pinch, a slightly raised hand will get their attention with half the obnoxiousness of the snap.

3. Thou shalt not assume anything about the menu/ rules of a restaurant. That means if the waiter says “no substitutions,” after you ask, let it go. He is probably  not allowed to change certain rules, and you need to be less rigid. Again, let it go.

4. Thou shalt keep an eye on thine children. Yes, they are adorable, but the two-top anniversary table or starving artist penning his memoir might not want to entertain them. That said, I personally adore charming other peoples’ children while at certain restaurants.

5. Thou shalt not take out random wrath, piss, and vinegar on the waitstaff. You do not go out to eat to abuse waitstaff because you feel small inside, do you? Okay, good, just checking…

If you are a waiter/hostess/food runner, etc:

1. Thou shalt not use fingers on the inside of glasses to hold four waters at a time (unless bussing). I know where those hands might have been as a busser… gross. Use a tray you neanderthal.

2. Thou shalt not ignore tables completely when swamped. Again, a meaningful smile as you hold an entire busload of dishes from another table will give your patrons the hint to relax without making them anxious that no one will ever stop by.

3. Thou shalt listen to guests. As in, if somebody seems incredibly concerned about a certain item they can’t or wish not to eat, that is probably the important part. Don’t feign listening to someone ordering no meat, and then return with a bacon covered salad. This wastes everyones time. Mistakes happen of course, but can’t we all just slow down?

4. Thou shalt not act like a snooty arsehole if your patrons don’t look expensive. Similarly, thou shalt not rush people through at warp speed if patrons don’t seem to be in a hurry. Word will spread, my friends. And I will slow down to the pixelated version of myself to spite you if you do. Consider yourself warned.

5. Thou shalt not stop back and ask the exact same questions multiple times. Where do some people learn their social skills? Great Scott!

So….. what kind of restaurant behavior  (waitstaff or diner) really irks you? Do you or have you worked at a restaurant? What was your experience like?

And are you psyched about my upcoming GIVEAWAY or what??

Meri